I’m flying to Hong Kong on Tuesday. I feel overwhelmed, as if my decision is rushing forward like a speeding van, and I’m that poor unfortunate person who is half-in half-out, jogging along side and wondering if I should leap in or just give up and let it go ahead to its destination without me.
It looks like I’m leaping. I took leave from my job at Oliveto, I have everything I need, along with a fortuitous arrival-date that falls during the Dragon Boat Festival in Hong Kong, and plans to meet Adam in Ho Chi Minh City on the 21st. Why am I still apprehensive? Because I love my life here in Berkeley so much. The moment I decided to take the plunge is likely the very same moment I began to feel settled here in my sedentary existence in the Bay Area. For so long I felt constrained by being “at home” rather than out there in the world, and despite people’s warnings that “it takes time” to put down roots in someplace new, I was antsy for escape and impatient with my slowly growing social life and my lacking sense of belonging and meaning. How life does love irony. I never would have thought that within one year, I would have made such a radical transformation from restlessness/frustration to contentment/peace/comfort.
Now that I’ve put the wheels in motion, though, there’s no turning back. And maybe it’s for the best! There are moments in the day, in between travel errands and the hustle/bustle of trying to soak up friends and family, when the enormity of my adventure hits me– I’m about to see parts of the world I haven’t so much as dreamed of. Attempt to learn a language that sounds more foreign than the clicking of ciccadas… and meet people I will never in a million years encounter, even in a place as diverse as Bezerkeley, California. At these moments, I can envision the views I’ll stumble upon, the photos I’ll take, and the foods I’ll taste… and I feel excited beyond belief!
And then there are those moments where I feel like “what the hell am I doing??” As a coworker said to me yesterday, “it’s going to be hard… you’re going to cry and you’re going to feel lonely… but be strong.” And I just have to remind myself that this is, after all, what I was seeking in the first place– an uprooting that will put me to the test and challenge my own notions about who I am and what I am capable of.
To all who are reading this blog, thank you for your support… and stay tuned.